“Who are you beyond your designation?”
We often equate success with climbing the corporate ladder, achieving prestigious titles, and accumulating material wealth. In the pursuit of success, we end up jumping from one step to the next, chasing the next milestone, always looking for the next big designation. However, as Nikhil Taneja’s story reveals, true fulfilment lies beyond these external markers.
Nikhil, like many others, initially chased milestones and did very well, becoming the youngest general manager at Yash Raj Films. To the outside world, his life seemed perfect — he had the “great designation,” was married, and possessed the essentials of life: roti, kapda, aur makaan [food, clothing, and shelter].
It was during this time that the 38-year-old began experiencing panic attacks and breakdowns, eventually being diagnosed with clinical anxiety. In his relentless pursuit of “what next,” the seemingly successful producer, creator, host, and teacher struggled to understand what he truly wanted to do.
He decided to quit his job and took a break to explore his identity. Over the course of eight months, he embraced who he was and sought to find purpose in life. He found his calling in creating meaningful impacts in the lives of young Indians, leading to the establishment of Yuvaa, a media platform focused on mental health and safe spaces.
Tasting early success: Was Nikhil truly happy?
Nikhil grew up in Bahrain, where he pursued his love for writing since he was a teenager. At seven, he began reading Young Times, a weekly magazine by Khaleej Times. After writing letters to the editor, which were often published in the paper, he boldly expressed his desire to write for them.
By 14, he had his first byline for the newspaper, interviewing celebrities like Shankar Mahadevan and the rock band Junoon. By 17, he had interviewed Michael Schumacher and built a robust portfolio.
Like many millennials, he chose to pursue engineering while nurturing his passion for storytelling on the side. At 20, he interviewed Shah Rukh Khan! When it came to choosing a career, he was clear about wanting to work in the media. He declined two job offers from campus placements at his alma mater, NIT Kurukshetra, and chose instead to work as a reporter at Hindustan Times.
After over two years at Hindustan Times, he moved to MTV India as an editor, where he tasted success writing and producing digital shows. “I made six films for MTV India, including projects with directors like Anurag Kashyap. I learnt the basics of writing, editing and producing shows during my stint at MTV,” Nikhil shares with The Better India.
However, this was just before the digital medium took off. Although the films were well-received, they ultimately failed. Just 25 at the time, he struggled to cope with this failure.
“I was the toast of MTV. Everyone hyped me up and pushed me. When the film was launched and didn’t work, there was complete silence. I didn’t have the tools or resources to handle the failure,” he reflects.
In retrospect, he acknowledges that he didn’t handle it well. “I was anxious for almost three to four months. To cope, I buried myself in work and started using my subsequent wins as a distraction. I kept telling myself that I was fine,” he admits candidly.
Society often fails to teach us how to handle failure, and Nikhil continued to work, soon landing his dream job at Yash Raj Films (YRF). He led their youth wing, Y-Films, and quickly became the general manager at YRF.
He produced many hit web series, seemingly setting him on an ideal career path. At the same time, he was a visiting professor at Jai Hind College, host of a YouTube show with Film Companion, and had everything he dreamed of; he was not even 30 yet.
Yet, while he excelled at work, he was quietly battling anxiety without knowing what it was. He experienced panic attacks and breakdowns at work and home but kept pushing himself. There were days when he couldn’t get out of bed, and often found himself sweating uncontrollably.
“I was fragile and felt like I was breaking, leading to self doubt. I used to think that I was a terrible employee. Sometimes, during meetings, I would have panic attacks and had to go out to gather myself for a few minutes. I just didn’t know what was happening,” he says.
One day, he experienced a massive anxiety attack and feared something was wrong with his heart. Like many, Nikhil experienced his anxiety manifest as physical symptoms.
“My heart raced constantly. I felt breathless, as if I were on a plane experiencing turbulence, convinced everything was about to come crashing down,” he recalls.
Battle with anxiety: Taking a career break
After enduring these symptoms for nine months, he finally visited a doctor for a physical checkup. The doctor told him that he was fine physically and asked him to visit a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist prescribed medication and suggested therapy.
Himadri Sharma, a counselling psychologist at Goodlives, states that anxiety often presents as physical symptoms. It could be back pain, neck pain, leg cramps and more.
“When you do a full body check up, everything would be normal. Your emotions get stored in your body as you aren’t dealing with them,” says Himadri.
Reflecting on his interactions with students, Nikhil recalled their discussions about mental health struggles and wondered if he, too, might be experiencing anxiety. “How could I have anxiety? I was unable to accept that something could be wrong with me. Hasn’t society always pushed this under the carpet? As men, we are always told that we are meant to provide. Our success metric is measured by our ability to put food on the table,” he shares.
Despite his achievements, he grappled with the disconnect between success and personal happiness. Chasing deadlines and working late left him with little time for self-care, family, and friends. “Everything I achieved was merely a success metric. If I stripped away my designation, who was I? Who was I beyond YRF? Who are you beyond your office cabin and salary? Who are you beyond the work you do? Who are you beyond the story given to you by society?” he pondered.
Experiencing what felt like an existential crisis, Nikhil, on the advice of his brother and the psychiatrist, sought therapy. He vividly remembers his first session.
“I was quite aggressive during my first session. I carried a lot of masculine energy and was unsure of how therapy would help,” he shares.
However, he was soon diagnosed with clinical anxiety and gradually realised that seeking help was okay. “There is a way out. I understood that this is real, and instead of fighting it, I accepted it,” Nikhil shares.
By the end of 2017, he decided to take a break and quit YRF. “I owed it to myself.” He acknowledges his privilege in being able to do so, as his wife was working at the time and he had savings to fall back on.
Redefining masculinity: ‘Be a man, yaar!’
Nikhil returned home to his parents in Bahrain and spent time with loved ones. He engaged in activities he loved — travelling, reconnecting with friends and family, and reigniting lost connections. He changed his phone number and effectively switched off from work.
One of his biggest learnings, he says, was breaking free from the societal definitions of masculinity.
“My story reflects the conditioning of masculinity that many boys in our country experience. Everything is linked to money and providing. We never take time to find joy in life. Historically, men have been viewed as providers and women are seen as nurturers. Today, while women play both roles, men are still not encouraged to embrace their nurturing side. We need to understand the burden of patriarchy on men,” he expresses.
Nikhil wanted to break out of the cycle where one looks at happiness as a destination. “You need to recognise your worth as a human being. You owe it to yourself to celebrate yourself,” he adds.
Recalling how, as children, our parents promised to buy us video games or new phones or toys if we scored well in exams, Nikhil says, “We carry this conditioning as adults, leading to rewarding ourselves on every academic or professional achievement.”
Therapy helped the Mumbai resident unlearn and understand himself on a deeper level. During his eight-month break, Nikhil sought to find purpose in life. He loved teaching and interacting with young people, while his skills lay in entertainment and writing. How could he combine the two to create a tangible impact in the lives of youngsters?
The pursuit to answer this question led to the launch of Yuvaa in 2018.
“Yuvaa is a purpose-driven youth media, research, and impact organisation that hopes to start meaningful conversations among India’s youth, particularly Gen Z. We want to listen to young people in schools and colleges who are feeling lonely,” he says.
Nikhil began with a roadshow, travelling to 150 campuses in 35 cities over nine months. The idea, he says, was to talk about mental health and sexual health, providing a safe space for young people to share their stories.
During this roadshow, Nikhil encountered many young boys whose stories moved him deeply. “An 18-year-old boy told me that no one had ever told him ‘I love you.’ Another teen shared that no one had ever hugged him. We don’t give intimacy to our boys and tell them it’s okay to express themselves. I wanted to provide a space to all the boys and girls in our country by creating communities,” he shares.
To achieve this, Nikhil started a show called Be a Man, Yaar, featuring male celebrities such as Javed Akhtar, Gajraj Rao, Boman Irani, Vicky Kaushal, Karan Johar, Bhuvan Bam, and Zakir Khan. The show promotes honest, vulnerable conversations where men talk about their feelings and mental health.
“If a boy sees his favourite celebrity being open and vulnerable, he will realise that he too can share his feelings. Modern masculinity is about embracing yourselves and accepting who you are, rather than conforming to what the world expects,” he stresses.
The show has been a hit, igniting important conversations around men’s mental health and the nature of masculinity. As Javed Akhtar poignantly stated on the show, “The angry young man is not just angry, he is deeply hurt. Mard ko dard kyun nahi hota? [Why doesn’t a man feel hurt?] Is there some problem? Hona chahiye [He should feel].”
Nikhil hopes that through the show, we learn to embrace and accept ourselves. He has a message for every young person — whether they identify as male, female, or queer: “Make money, but also make time for yourself. Be kind to yourself. All that matters is a good family and friend circle, and the creation of great memories. Maximise your time with your loved ones.”
In one of my favourite episodes from the series Be A Man, Yaar, actor Imran Khan candidly shared his struggles with mental health. Discussing the stigma around therapy, he remarked how it’s often looked down upon to “lie down on a couch and talk about feelings.”
“How do you respect a man who is not earning? How do you respect a man who is not getting up and going to work?” he asked. It’s time we start respecting men who embrace their weaknesses.
Edited by Arunava Banerjee; Images Courtesy Nikhil Taneja
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